My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Floor bacon is actually really good
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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