I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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