I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
