I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
