Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
