Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize