if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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