Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
