so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
