Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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