Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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