I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
