I'm going to jail i love you
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
