Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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