That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
