Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
