I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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