last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
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