He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
