ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
