the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I understand Curling. That high.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
