Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
