Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
