The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
