hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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