Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
