Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
