I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
