I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
