That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize