Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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