Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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