you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
