In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
