2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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