when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
