i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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