I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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