I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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