I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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