i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
