when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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