So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
