that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
