Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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