He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
