I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
