i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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