About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
