I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
