Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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