I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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