EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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