In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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