Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
