I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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