I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
