Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
