you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
