it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
