I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just tell him i said nine months
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
