so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
