I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
